she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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