now i know why i became what i already was.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
