had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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