Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
