I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
