I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
We had to coat check the pizza.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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