Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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