Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
