My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize