How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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