Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
