seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
