Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize