Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize