I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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