Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
