If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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