I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
