Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize