you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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