i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
