did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
