EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
