i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
