How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
