I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
