WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
