I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I think I sprained my soul last night
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
