Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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