If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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