the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
