Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
