My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
