They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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