I cannot find my penis.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
