You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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