i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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