and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
