Kareoke will never be a sober sport
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
