just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
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