You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
