I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
