i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
