I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
