I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
