Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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