New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
