need another drink. this is the easiest way
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
