none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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