Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
