man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
