What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize