Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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