i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
