First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
