Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
