then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Randomize
