I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
