guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
