i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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